I'm working on a new series of gouache sketches. A temporary step away from oil paint.
Subject: Gala plays the violin (memory) and bulls in motion (also memory, nostalgia?).

I love the cheap half opaque white that I can apply/splash over parts as an extra layer. I struggle with a hair dryer in one hand and paper tissues in the other. It's a lovely mess.

And then this happened…

It reminds me of Picasso's black and white sketches.

What do I do with this one? Is this enough??? I look around, ask the BIG artists if this sketch is done. Ok, Picasso was so full of himself that he didn't search for anything, just found his genius ME. So I leave him alone. Another very BIG artist is Hokusai.

I have a deep admiration for Hokusai (a man with an exemplary mentality, read his biography!). I have a book of sketches by him and see that his total mastery is something I lack. An example below; if I ever get to sketch like this...

I almost always have the feeling that I have to shoot thirty times before I hit something. I consider myself a slow and laboriously painter. In short, basically a sucker with a talent given to me that I'm obliged to not get wasted (how many times have I been on the point of throwing my brushes out of the window... Now it's really too late, alas).
For me, a successful painting is often the sum of the corrected errors. I bravely spread layer upon layer (nice for later, through X-rays they will see not just another painting but a whole cacophony of half-finished works coming up). I do try to work more resolutely, but most of the time I don't succeed. Admittedly, the blind search can lead to unexpected solutions and those are the salt in the pie.

And here the sketch shot from the hip hit on the first try. I have no idea what to add to it.

With Hokusai I think he let the lines flow slowly from his sleeve in utmost concentration. No splash; everything without hesitation. All in one session.

I wonder if I came to this result by looking the other way, denying myself. On pure instinct (did I f…..g study for nothing???)? Am I confusing instinct with ignorance here? If there's one thing I absolutely hate, it's ignorance, especially when it presents itself as "playful creativity."

In Rome Laura accused me of still searching too much, scrutinizing everything, deliberating, correcting, not allowing the kind of Zen silence in the head and let the lines on perhaps just such an empty 'Hokusai' way flow.
I don't have the character for it, I have to swear, panic, think everything is going to ruin again only to discover the next day that it's not that bad after all…. I really don't understand the people who recommend painting as a soothing therapy. Painting a wall white is more soothing.

I'm not talking about my flower paintings. Those are paintings that have to come up very carefully. Calculate everything, no surprises. Therein lies the frustration in having to work with the buttocks squeezed together. Often after one or two flowers I have to go wild in painting the opposite way.

The flower paintings reassure me, yes. These paintings tell me that after some forty years of professional plodding, I have come to something that I need not apologize for or be ashamed of.

I look for chaos in the gouache sketches. Doubt must initially guide the hand. Does this perhaps have to do with the gift of being able to surrender to the void (Laura?)? Something must emerge from the darkness. The magic is in the messy area. As Karel Appel once said: 'I just mess around.'
I confess, more than once in the unexpected I find the solution, which overshoots the stupid reason that too often gets in my way.

Tonight I'll uncork another bottle and tell myself it's not too bad. Painting is a solitary activity. I lack the hand that occasionally stops me, stops my muddling at the right moment and then caresses my tired head. Some alcohol will have the same effect.

I hope that the bulls find the green pastures on the other side of the hill and Gala plays a nice song to which they dance.

Here are the first five (the four below and the ‘Picasso’ sketch above), on the site under the chapter SKETCHES you can see them a little better. Click on the gray word to go to that chapter. Once on the page, click on a vignette to see the sketch.
They are for sale, maybe a nice Christmas present?

December 2, 2022, Utrecht.